Students Receiving Mental Health Services

Nowadays, it is undeniable that mental health has almost become the most popular topic in present day world. With the rapid pace of life, more and more people feel unspeakable pressure, especially for students. Take my friend Wang as an example, who studies in high school. He often remarks to me that he's too worried about his grades to sleep well.

According to the data, we found that the percentage of students receiving mental health services has gradually increased from 24% in 2010 to 34.2% in 2017. This shows that people's awareness of mental health is gradually improving. But on the other hand, it also reflects the increasing pressure on students. And I think that number is going to get higher and higher.

What should we do? In my opinion, it isn't too bad at now. As long as we try to do something right now. For example, as young people, we ought to take good care of ourselves. You can cry when you're sad or tough, but don't be controlled by bad emotions. Moreover, we should raise the awareness of mental health to help more people.

作文评价：

1. 切题性：作文切题，围绕“学生接受心理健康服务”展开，描述了现状、数据趋势以及个人建议。
2. 结构完整性：结构完整，分为三段，分别描述现象、数据趋势和个人建议。
3. 思路清晰度：思路较为清晰，逻辑连贯，但部分表达不够准确。

4. 语言表达：语言表达基本通顺，但存在一些语法错误和中式英语，例如：

   • “it is undeniable that mental health has almost become the most popular topic”（“almost”多余，且“the most popular topic”不够地道）。
   • “unspeakable pressure”用词不当，应为“unbearable pressure”。
   • “the number is going to get higher and higher”显得重复且不够正式。
   • “it isn't too bad at now”语法错误，应为“it isn't too bad now”。
   • “You can cry when you're sad or tough”中“tough”用词不当，应为“stressed”。
5. 句型和词汇：使用了一些基本句型，但缺乏高级表达和复杂句型。
6. 题目：作文没有题目，需扣1分。

扣分点：

1. 语法错误：

   • “it isn't too bad at now”语法错误。
   • “You can cry when you're sad or tough”用词不当。

2. 语言表达不够地道：

   • “the most popular topic”不够专业。
   • “unspeakable pressure”用词不当。
   • “the number is going to get higher and higher”表达重复。
3. 缺乏高级句型：文章主要使用简单句，缺乏复杂句型和高级表达。
4. 题目缺失：作文没有题目，扣1分。

评分：

根据评分标准，作文属于 16-21分 档次。综合考虑语法错误、语言表达和题目缺失，最终评分为 18分。

优化建议：

1. 修正语法错误：

   • 将“it isn't too bad at now”改为“it isn't too bad now”。
   • 将“You can cry when you're sad or tough”改为“You can cry when you're sad or stressed”。

2. 改进语言表达：

   • 将“the most popular topic”改为“a critical issue”。
   • 将“unspeakable pressure”改为“unbearable pressure”。
   • 将“the number is going to get higher and higher”改为“the trend is likely to continue”。

3. 增加高级句型：

   • 使用复杂句型，例如：“While the awareness of mental health is improving, the increasing pressure on students remains a pressing concern.”
4. 添加题目：为作文添加一个明确的题目，例如“Addressing the Rising Demand for Mental Health Services Among Students”。
5. 丰富内容：可以加入更多具体的建议或数据支持，使文章更具说服力。

通过以上修改，作文可以达到 22-30分 的档次。

扣分点及修正建议：

1. 语法错误：

   • 原句：it isn't too bad at now
     问题：at多余，语法错误。
     修正：it isn't too bad now 或 it isn't too bad at present。
   • 原句：You can cry when you're sad or tough
     问题：tough用词不当，与上下文语境不符。
     修正：You can cry when you're sad or stressed。

2. 用词不当：

   • 原句：mental health has almost become the most popular topic
     问题：almost多余，且the most popular topic不够正式和专业。
     修正：mental health has become a critical issue。
   • 原句：people feel unspeakable pressure
     问题：unspeakable用词不当，通常用于描述“无法用语言表达的情感”，而此处应强调“难以承受的压力”。
     修正：people feel unbearable pressure。

3. 表达不够正式：

   • 原句：the number is going to get higher and higher
     问题：higher and higher显得重复且不够正式。
     修正：the trend is likely to continue 或 the percentage is expected to rise further。

4. 缺乏高级句型：

   • 问题：文章主要使用简单句，缺乏复杂句型和高级表达。
     修正建议：

     • 使用复杂句型，例如：
       While the awareness of mental health is improving, the increasing pressure on students remains a pressing concern.
     • 使用从句或并列句：
       Not only should we raise awareness, but we should also take concrete actions to support students' mental health.

5. 题目缺失：

   • 问题：作文没有题目，需扣1分。
     修正：添加一个明确的题目，例如：
     Addressing the Rising Demand for Mental Health Services Among Students。

修正后的作文示例：

Addressing the Rising Demand for Mental Health Services Among Students

Nowadays, it is undeniable that mental health has become a critical issue in today's world. With the rapid pace of life, more and more people feel unbearable pressure, especially students. Take my friend Wang as an example, who studies in high school. He often tells me that he is too worried about his grades to sleep well.

According to the data, the percentage of students receiving mental health services has gradually increased from 24% in 2010 to 34.2% in 2017. This indicates that people's awareness of mental health is improving. However, it also reflects the increasing pressure faced by students, and the trend is likely to continue.

What should we do? In my opinion, it isn't too bad now, but we must take action immediately. As young people, we ought to take good care of ourselves. While it is normal to feel sad or stressed, we should not let negative emotions control us. Moreover, we should raise awareness of mental health through education and community support to help more people.

评分调整：

修正后的作文语言更地道、表达更正式，且结构清晰、逻辑连贯，符合 22-30分 档次的标准。若进一步优化句型和词汇，可接近满分。