The Overuse of Mobile Phones

Nowadays, it is undeniable that chat online has almost become the most popular topic in present-day world. Many people are used to talk with people through texts and images on the mobile phone, even they're face-to-face. Take my friend Wang as an example, who often contacts me by Wechat. He remarks to me that it's a effective way to tell anything quickly. What's your opinion?

There are some reasons for account of my view. Firstly, as Wang says, it's a quick and effective way to tell somebody something. Because of this, we can chat with each other more convenient. Secondly, we can use some funny and cute emoji to share our mood about the statement. The other side of this problem is not far to seek. People are getting more and more indifferent in the real life. They rather use a emojis online than smile in real life. The gap between people and people is bigger.

For my part, technology is an double-edges sword. The key is proper use. As young people, we ought to live in real world. We should promote its benefits and raise the awareness of overuse phones.

评价：

这位同学的作文基本切题，结构完整，思路清晰，描述了漫画内容，分析了手机过度使用的影响，并表达了个人看法。文章整体连贯性较好，但在语言表达和语法方面存在一些问题。

扣分点：

1. 语法错误：

   • “Many people are used to talk with people” 应改为 “Many people are used to talking with others”。
   • “even they're face-to-face” 应改为 “even when they are face-to-face”。
   • “it's a effective way” 应改为 “it's an effective way”。
   • “we can chat with each other more convenient” 应改为 “we can chat with each other more conveniently”。
   • “People are getting more and more indifferent in the real life” 表达不够地道，可以改为 “People are becoming more indifferent in real life”。
   • “They rather use a emojis online than smile in real life” 应改为 “They would rather use emojis online than smile in real life”。
   • “The gap between people and people is bigger” 应改为 “The gap between people is growing bigger”。
   • “technology is an double-edges sword” 应改为 “technology is a double-edged sword”。
   • “We should promote its benefits and raise the awareness of overuse phones” 表达模糊，可以改为 “We should maximize its benefits while raising awareness of the overuse of phones”。

2. 中式英语：

   • “The other side of this problem is not far to seek” 表达不够自然，可以改为 “However, there is a downside to this phenomenon”。

3. 用词简单：

   • 文章中使用了一些简单的词汇和句型，缺乏高级表达和复杂句型。

评分：

根据评分标准，这篇作文可以归为 16-21分 档次。考虑到语法错误较多，但整体结构完整，思路清晰，最终评分定为 18分。

优化建议：

1. 修正语法错误：

   • 仔细检查冠词、介词、时态等基本语法问题。
   • 使用更准确的词汇和表达，避免中式英语。

2. 增加高级表达：

   • 使用复杂句型，如定语从句、状语从句等。
   • 引入一些高级词汇，如 “excessive reliance”、“interpersonal communication” 等。

3. 具体化观点：

   • 在分析影响时，可以加入具体例子或数据支持观点。
   • 在个人看法部分，可以更明确地提出解决方案或建议。

4. 优化结构：

   • 每段开头可以使用过渡词，使文章更加连贯。
   • 结尾部分可以更有力地总结全文，呼应主题。

通过以上修改，文章可以达到 22-30分 的水平。