Teenager Crime

Nowadays, it is undeniable that Teenager Crime has almost become the most popular question in present-day world. A range of reports about teenager crime should be noticed. Take my friend Wang as an example, who had been stolen a watch. He often remarks to me that not all teenagers are kind. What's your idea as to it?

The reason of this question is not far to seek. Firstly, some of them may not get enough attention from home or school, and they think crime can make them be noticed, so they did it. Secondly, they may not often socialize with friends or their neighbors, they don't know how to show up what they think. After that, they decided to cheat others that they can achieve their goals.

For my part, the key is proper education. As young people, we ought to pay attention to them and lead them to do right things. We should promote teenager education and raise the awareness of teenager crime.

扣分点详细分析

语法错误

1. 时态错误：

   • "had been stolen" 表达正确，但与前文 "Take my friend Wang as an example" 的时态不一致，建议改为 "had his watch stolen"（过去完成时的被动语态更自然）
   • "they don't know how to show up what they think" 中的 "don't" 应为 "didn't"（时态不一致，前文用过去时，此处也应保持一致）

2. 主谓一致错误：

   • "some of them may not get" 中 "may" 后应接动词原形，正确形式为 "may not get"（情态动词后接动词原形）

3. 介词使用错误：

   • "the reason of this question" 应为 "the reason for this question"（固定搭配错误）

4. 从句引导词错误：

   • "they decided to cheat others that they can achieve their goals" 中 "that" 使用不当，应为 "so that"（目的状语从句引导词错误）

用词及表达错误

1. 词汇错误：

   • "question" 在此处使用不当，应为 "issue" 或 "problem"（词汇选择不当，"question" 更倾向于指问题本身，而非现象）
   • "show up" 应为 "express"（表达意思的词汇选择错误，"show up" 意为 "出现"，不符合语境）

2. 中式英语表达：

   • "Take my friend Wang as an example, who had been stolen a watch." 表达不够自然，可改为 "Take my friend Wang, whose watch had been stolen, as an example."（句子结构和表达方式不符合英语习惯）
   • "What's your idea as to it?" 更自然的表达为 "What do you think about this?"（疑问句表达方式不符合英语习惯）

3. 逻辑连贯性问题：

   • "He often remarks to me that not all teenagers are kind." 与前文联系不够紧密，逻辑跳跃（句子之间逻辑关系不清晰）
   • "After that, they decided to cheat others that they can achieve their goals." 表达不够流畅，逻辑关系不明确（句子内部逻辑关系混乱）

其他错误

1. 拼写错误：

   • 无明显拼写错误

2. 标点使用不当：

   • 多处句子之间使用逗号连接，导致句子结构松散，应适当使用句号或分号（标点符号使用不当影响句子结构）

评分与评价

评分：20分

评价：

• 优点：

  • 文章切题，围绕青少年犯罪现象、原因和解决办法展开，结构较为完整。
  • 思路基本清晰，分三段分别讨论了现象、原因和解决办法。
  • 语言表达较为通顺，能表达出基本观点。

• 不足：

  • 仍有一些语法错误，如时态、主谓一致、介词和从句引导词等方面。
  • 部分表达不够准确，存在中式英语的痕迹。
  • 语言较为简单，缺乏高级表达和复杂句型。

优化建议：

• 语法修正：

  • 仔细检查语法，确保时态、语态、主谓一致等正确。
  • 学习并掌握常见介词、从句引导词的正确用法。

• 表达优化：

  • 使用更准确、自然的英语表达，避免中式英语。
  • 例如将 "Take my friend Wang as an example, who had been stolen a watch." 改为 "Take my friend Wang, whose watch had been stolen, as an example."

• 丰富语言：

  • 引入一些高级词汇和复杂句型，提升文章的语言层次。
  • 例如使用定语从句、状语从句等结构。

• 逻辑连贯：

  • 加强段落之间的逻辑衔接，使文章更加连贯流畅。
  • 使用适当的连接词，如 "Firstly, Secondly, Lastly" 等。

• 练习与反馈：

  • 多进行写作练习，并寻求老师或英语母语者的反馈，逐步改进写作水平。